Creekside Garden

“The only constant in life is change” ~ Heraclitus

I am at an awkward stage in life as one chapter flips into another, currently hovering on the last few paragraphs. I find myself holding on for dear life in the middle of a cliffhanger, wondering how we are going to land. Except this isn’t a fictional novel or a Netflix series. This is my life.

As I dangle on the edge of finishing a hard chapter, I find myself crippled with a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t escape it and started desperately scrolling YouTube shorts (I quit other social media almost completely), trying to numb my emotions like a relapsing addict. Disgusted with my lack of self-control, nap-time gave me a window of freedom where I sought the comfort of flowers.

This rental home (a short-term situation) is surrounded by the most gorgeous perennials. Tulips, daffodils, peonies, lilies, irises, lilacs, yellow roses, and many more blooming in their set times. One after another, they have each taken turns being the star of the show, seamlessly, one fades off the stage as another blooms with fury. God knows I crave flowers and wouldn’t be able to grow them myself this year, I thank Him for the gift of these perennials in this season of life.

Desperate for peace, I began to weed the neglected beds. Using the activity to sort my thoughts, reflecting on lessons God has been teaching me. Recently, I have been reading a book called “Choosing Gratitude: Your Journey to Joy” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. In this book, she has a simple equation for peace based on Philippians 4:6-7.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

In every situation: Prayer + Thanksgiving = Peace

This formula has brought me comfort, and I find it much easier to remember than the full verse. However, on this particular day, gratitude felt sticky. I struggled to mentally list the things I was thankful for. I ripped out the weeds in the flower beds and tried to pray. Even prayer felt choppy. The best I could say was, “Jesus, help me. Why do I feel this way?”

He revealed that the yucky feeling in my stomach was Fear.

Fear of what people think of me. Fear of failure. Fear of the future. Fear of success. Fear of loneliness. Fear of friendship. So. Much. Fear.

Our culture calls it Anxiety, but it is easier for me to understand when I call it Fear. Fear isn’t medicated or sent to counseling. Fear calls for courage, for faith. Fear is conquered by Jesus.

In my mind, anxiety wears a tee shirt and jeans, drinks starbucks, takes pills, and has a therapist. A modern costume for an ancient actor. A label that makes me feel helpless and weak for admitting that I struggle with it. Anxiety stripped naked is fear. Two sides of the same coin. Without fear, there is no need for courage. The most powerful stories are often about overcoming fear and instead walking by faith.

Giving that yucky feeling a name took away its power. I went through the rest of my day and I still had a stomach ache when my thoughts got out of control. But as soon as I told myself, “This is Fear,” it was more manageable.

I have faced fear on the back of an unruly horse, on the stage of a school play, in a starless night on top of a mountain. Fear is familiar, and I know it is passing. The feeling of fear doesn’t harm me and is an opportunity for me to dig deep and keep going. I can lean on the promises of God and make it through to the next day with the words “please help me.”

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4

Facing fear is not a one and done battle. My fear has not died, I know that I will face this dragon again today and tomorrow. God promises to strengthen, to help, to uphold, to answer, and to deliver. The feeling of fear is nothing more than a reminder to draw near to God and to “hide in the shelter of his wings”.

Another verse that has encouraged me is 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

When I am weak, He is strong.

Praise the Lord!

I hope that this was encouraging in some way. What gives you courage when faced with fear and anxiety?